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7th of May 2006 – A Day in my Head
Project “A Day in my Head” asked me to make a diary entry about a typical day in my head as part of their wonderful effort to collect diary entries of people suffering from Mental Health issues.
If you want to participate into the effort, see their Twitter account and Facebook Group. I believe the initiative is extremely interesting. Good job! I think we need more of those and it’s in the direct line of the #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth and #MentalHealthWeek initiatives that are so useful. If you want to know more about my story, see my article Grieving my Mom’s Death.
7th of May 2006, A day in my Head
I’m waking up and, like always, I don’t think about her but the anxiety of emptiness and abandonment is starting to eat at my bowels and my energy.
Let me start the day by breathing, holding, breathing, holding just so I can get up and light my first cigaret.
She is my mother, she committed suicide when I was 9 despite loving me more than anyone ever has since. I’m writing this from 10 years in the future and the difference now is that I know that I’m afraid of losing everyone again and I know why. She had schizophrenia and her suffering was unbearable that’s why she left and not because of me. This understanding is such a relief. The understanding happened during an insight meditation session where I re-experienced again that night when she jumped out of my room’s window. Breathing is what heals me. Breathing my anxiety away, labelling my breath during meditation, feeling it anchor me in the present moment during the whole day.
The combination of CBT and Buddhist psychology that I learned from great people and apply daily to myself is allowing me to feel finally a bit more free.
I’m finally grieving your death Mom, it took me 34 years but I’m there. I love you so much.