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Fear, Pain and Love Healing my Heart
I am asked often these days what kicked off for me the healing process after years of living a half life. I couldn’t answer because I had issues remembering all the events and how I felt at different times.
Healing my Heart
I’m a Grown Up Wounded Child under Recovery and this impacted my life in many ways but mostly in my self-confidence and my intimacy. I was – and still am to a certain extent – way too often afraid by small or large things, in emotional pain and not able to invest relationships fully and blocked in my freedom to live happily by all this.
Last weekend it clicked in and I understand a bit better what Kickstarter and fueled the healing. Obviously it’s my demons that are also my saviors: Fear, Pain and Love.
My biggest fear is to be worthless and that people will abandon me if I’m not the nice guy. In 2006 I tried so hard to please everyone that I did a burnout. This burnout could have been the real awakening but I was medicated which made me functional but stopped the introspection way too fast. Nevertheless I met the wonderful Anne-Françoise Chevalley, a biologist and CBT who teaches me the key ingredients to manage my Anxiety and not be blocked by it as well as understand a bit better how I work inside.
In 2009 I faced my fear – for I think the first time – of not being perceived as the nice guy and being judged by others in the most original way ever. The company I worked for just got acquired by a larger company that was seeing its revenue challenged by the financial crisis. The company I was from thought it to be a brilliant idea to make a pre-acquisition “cleanup” of its headcount and we fired for the first time in its existence 20% of our staff. Some months into 2009 I was called at 17:00 by my new boss from the new company and told that I need to fire an additional four people and that one of them he would chose and it would brine of my best friends because he doesn’t like his attitude. He would call me back in an hour and wanted the list. I went down for a coffee and thought through where I was with all that shit and concluded that I wouldn’t ever be able to look myself again in the mirror if I would do what he asked. So when he called me back I told him to put my name on the list and chose the other three himself. When I said that I felt like the ground was opening under my feet, that my interiors were falling into the newly formed pit and that I would soon follow and die. He went a bit psycho on me with some threats and other attempts for me to reconsider but I held my line and he hang up.
The result of this event of facing my fear was that I was in peace for the next two years and became free from my fear of others judging me.
Now this would be a nice magical story but they kept me and didn’t fire anyone so my dear ego suddenly thought that I was Superman and that nothing was impossible and I again missed an opportunity to really look down in my heart and start digging under the gravels for who I really am.
What I kept, nevertheless, from that experience is the satori feeling that lasted for weeks and a conviction that freedom is possible.
Until last year June, Superman obviously continued his senseless pursuit of fame, glory and riches with the result that one can expect from doing that out of a sense of worthlessness and not genuine passion. I bit the dust again both professionally and personally. Anxiety management was a day in day out thing, depression was coming my way fast and the feedback I’m getting from my friends is that I was showing the face of an arrogant smug.
The next step of my healing journey was triggered by randomly meeting last June the person that will be my best friend forever. She was in tremendous pain due to her personal situation and her pain as well as the immediate connection I felt with her made the concrete crust around my heart shatter into pieces. I tried to help her get better and the Compassion that she opened in me – feeling her tremendous pain and caring for it – reconnected me with what I always wanted. I want to help others in meaningful ways, I want to be of service to the ones that I can care for in meaningful ways.
Since then I intensified my meditation practice, created this blog, resigned from my last misery inducing job and am looking for the next step of my life.
In addition to Compassion, she made me discover the real feeling of Unconditional Love. The Love that doesn’t want anything but the mantra of the Loving Kindness Meditation:
May you be filled with lovingkindness.
May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.
May you be well in body and mind.
May you be at ease and happy.
Obviously in my current path of development there is also Longing next to Loving Kindness but I will be eternally grateful to her for entering my life.
Open and Flexible Heart
In conclusion I didn’t do anything to start healing. Life brought me the events I needed to do so. I finally managed to grab them even if a bit later than it could have been. This highlights the need for walking our life in an agile and flexible way and grab the lessons and rewards it brings us when they come. We need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we made that hurt us, distance ourselves from the automatic patterns that drive our life and find a place of peace that allows us to heal. For me Meditation and Friendship are this place of peace. Find your own and dwell in it.