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Grieving my Mom’s death
As described in my post called Grieving and Letting Go grieving is something which applies to anything we are attached to and not only big events. Big events though, especially if experienced in childhood, have a high chance to not have gone properly through the grieving process.
Improper Grieving Consequences
Grieving allows to come to terms with sadness, anger and loss. My mother died when I was 9. She committed suicide by jumping out of my room’s window. I cried for 5’minutes, made drawings with the shrink, didn’t talk about it at all at home since my father was devastated. I thought I got over it pretty fast and the feedback I got recently from a good friend’s mother was that my courage was impressive. It was not courage it was emotional shutdown. I basically don’t remember any strong emotion between age 9 and age 15 or so. I took the devastating event, locked it down in a little box and let it there to rot. Meantime it was eating away at my self-confidence and I reemerged from those years with multiple wounds that I want to detail a bit here.
Fear of abandonment
The most handicapping wound that impacted all of my adult relationships, especially the intimate ones, is the fear of abandonment. The general way I internalized her suicide was that even if someone adores me beyond reason and loves me unconditionally it is not a strong enough reason for that person to stay. I tried genuine love relationships as a young adult that had their ups and downs but after the first painful breakup the wound reopened. I again built a protective layer around it and went on never engaging fully anymore with the love subject in order to avoid the pain of the inevitable future breakup. I hurt some women doing that and I want to express how sorry I am for that here.
Fear of Worthlessness
Similarly to the Fear of Abandonment, a part of me always wondered whether her decision to leave was because I was not good enough. Intellectually I know this is completely wrong but this feeling pops up again and again. It was strongly reinforced by a father that had a Nemo syndrome and wanted his wounded child to become the best possible version of himself but making me feel like I can’t ever be enough. The consequence is that my natural carer traits turned into a pleaser personality where I bend backwards to have even people that don’t deserve to be pleased so they love me. The other consequence that made me hurt people is my flirtatious behaviours to validate my lovability. I also want to ask for forgiveness to the women I did hurt through those behaviours.
Good can’t Last
The final consequence I want to mention is that I’m constantly in fear that something that I like very much will be destroyed by internal or external factors. It prevents me very often to appreciate what I have to its full extent and makes me validate over and over that I don’t have reasons to worry. I’m perceived trough that as clingy and needy which is not always something people like. I lost many potential good friends because of that.
Completely unexpectedly I made some progress on all these consequences of the initial wound during a meditation session. Nothing special planned but suddenly the fear of abandonment exploded and I managed to stay present to it and explore what was underneath the feeling. I relived my mother’s death and cried while meditating. It left me for days with a sense of peace but more importantly allowed me to start watching in everyday life which of my behaviours were driven by this. All of the consequences I describe above are getting easier to let go progressively. It’s not a tick in the box “Solved” problem but it’s something for which my awareness is better and this helps.
Let yourself grieve, cry if you need to, find arms to hold you tight if it helps. Grieving is not weakness but the natural healing process. Meditation or any other way that helps you revisit in a calm way past events that are not grieved properly is a very good way to be happier and free.
Happy Grieving and please share your experiences in the comment section if you like.